sunday, 20.02.00

1.00am

*

driving home tonight, i was listening to the local radio station and "the best things in life are free" came on by janet jackson. it's a shamelessly commercial pop song but it reminded me of angela, when we used to walk home from school singing it at the top of our lungs. i never really liked it all that much but she was the hugest janet fan. tonight i was concentrating on listening to the lyrics:

i'll just do all i can to be your lover because i understand

i've got so much love for you

and it's easy to give it when i know you feel the same way too

and i smiled because some things never change.

 

i was contemplating going to the circuit but i've become so withdrawn from any social activities, i couldn't even be bothered ringing anyone. and to tell you the truth i hate going out in summer. because you've got to wear minimal clothes or you'll melt. and when you wear minimal clothes you get treated like a tart. i hate the pre-conception that any female in a nightclub is fair game to "take home and have a shag with." it disgusts me. i had a 9 month binge of going out 5 nights a week, with bronwyn and i drinking around $100 worth of alcohol a night. that's all we did, get our pay out of the bank and head for the pub. the fact that paul and luke worked there at the time was probably a minor factor in our visiting hours. i remember getting an email off lish, saying she was worried about me... it kind of woke me up and i got out of that situation. now i don't go out - hardly ever. at the time it was nice to know that someone cared, that someone actually gave a shit. and she still does.

my best guy friend told me that this weekend will be the one where true feelings come out. my best girl friend told me it will work. when his mother rang me to make sure i'd be home for his call tomorrow afternoon, i felt quietly confident myself.

jeff apter can suck my dick. [don't you sometimes just wish you had one so you could say that? lol. no? ok then.] he wrote a review of the new killing heidi cd, 'reflector' saying that "obviously the heidi's need to outgrow the slow-fast-slow-fast baby grungola they've got going here. and ella hooper needs to stop acting like a false wised-up hippie chick." then last month's effort about how "grinspoon have no ambition, but they've woken up to the fact that this rock thing might be a decent little earner." and to top that, his extremely rude and ignorant article in rolling stone concerning ______. i hate him with a passion. bastard.

*

i held a little candlelit thing in my room at midnight. i put on come as you are for some strange reason... not sure why. it's always been one of my favourites. and that's what he was all about - come as you are. whether you were black, white, gay or straight, male or female - kurt didn't care and that set him apart from the rest. i listen to unplugged and it's still got more depth than 90% of the music you hear today. there's really no more i can say... i miss him incredibly.

so when i see that star at night

sparkling through the darkest sky

i know that you will be alright

but still i wonder, and still i cry.

 

i want to be a rockstar.